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Writober 10.3.18: Save, Don’t Save, Cancel

A good Excel spreadsheet will make you realize you’ve been deluding yourself. You think, Oh, I have the spending under control. I’m keeping to a budget. And yet, the savings, instead of going up like it’s supposed to just keeps going down. Maintaining is nothing but a pipe dream at this point.

You soothe yourself by giving yourself a gold star for not adding to the debt you worked so hard to pay off. The credit cards stay at zero. Hell, a couple have been closed by the companies due to inactivity. Which is a good thing but also feels like some kind of rebuke. As if you’ve been banished from some game you never really wanted to play anyway but still so rude to be kicked off the team!

And then, with a slight shift of the motivational winds, you print out recent statements for the one card you use and pay as you go, open up Excel and begin to enter in all those little numbers which, once you’re done, add up to a bigger number than you’d expected but secretly feared.

So there it is. Yes, the balance is at zero every month but at the expense of the savings.

You stare at the information for a few moments, trying to find loopholes. Does the $54 ticket count, when it wasn’t your ticket? But through a technicality you have to pay for. Does that go into the Necessary or Unnecessary Expense column? Really though, the columns don’t matter, just that final number. Which is right there, not hiding, not judging either. Only you do that.

Then, you move the curser to the X to close the sheet. “Want to save your changes to ‘Book1’?”

You click on ‘Don’t Save’ although maybe you should. But you’ve had more than enough realness for this morning.


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